These last two days have been really hard on me. See, as I said before we have been in the process of adopting my nephew and niece that my brother had. Well yesterday things changed. DHS came over and took the kids from us and gave them back to their maternal Grandma. Well today we had a 'Family Team Meeting' and was pretty much butt raped by the DHS workers.
I put it that way because it hurts, it hurts really freaking bad that they took the kids from us and then told us in this meeting this morning that we weren't getting them back. Why? We asked that very thing, and the answer to that question, "Because you have a filthy house". What? Really? Your shitting me right? Nope they weren't. See they made surprise visits which we expected, and when they arrived both times we were in the middle of cleaning the house. So they removed the kids because our house wasn't clean enough. That just because we spent more time with the kids instead of scrubbing and washing everything, they took them. This made me angry. It pissed me off. When all they could spout was "The best interest of the children". This is in the best interest of the children, we are moving them to a better place. Because you didn't clean up the floor or the stove and it's dirty and we gave you shots, this is in the best interest of the children.
So 'the best interest of the children' is moving them from a home they have known for over a year, and was doing good in to put them back into a situation that they won't get the attention they so crave or the love. It kills me to even type this up. I'm sitting here in tears. All because this woman, this supervisor decided that our house wasn't clean enough and let me tell you our house is clean yes, is it spotless, no! How the hell can anyone with kids keep a house spotless? Tell me that one. So we were humiliated and dogged on by these group of ladies for the purpose of removing the kids. Now the kids, now my....no not my babies anymore, have to go live with a grandma that said she didn't want them. That was put into the hospital because she couldn't handle the four kids. Yes four, as see my ex-sister-in-law had four kids at the time she and my brother did their stupid shit. Two with another man, JW and Lala, along with Cian and CeCe. My brother was a father to them all, as much as he could be. But now, now Cian and CeCe get taken away because we didn't scrub every inch of the house and have it totally spotless. This is bullshit. This is hurting them. Hurting me!
But I'm thinking what is best for those two, and I'm not going to fight, neither is mom. We are done. We are letting go of them and letting them get on with their lives with their Grammy and Poppi. So we are done, we aren't going to fight for them, we are going to let them go and live their lives. This is what is best for them, because honestly I couldn't stand it to see them and then have them begging to come home and we can't take them. We let them go and cut off ties, I know this is the hardest thing for us to do, but it's better for the kids this way.
I'm going to miss them like crazy, but we have to think what's best for them and for me. To see them every so often and not take them and take care of them, that is going to hurt me more. So I'm cutting it off. We are cutting it off. This is what needs to be done. So if Cian and Ancilynne ever see this sometime, I love you babies. Aunt Care misses you. But we do this for your best interest, I hope you have a healthy and happy life with Grammy and Poppi.
To Gladwin County DHS, you freaking suck ass for ripping those kids from us because we weren't a spotless house. I hope no one I know ever has to deal with this type of a situation because it's heartbreaking and so filled with tears.
Good bye Cece and Cian. I love you.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
The beginning
So taking the advice of my cousins, and of my therapist, I'm starting a blog. There is a lot yet so little going on in my life that not many know about and frankly I need to release it somehow so why not in a blog. This my place for my thoughts and feelings and everything I have to say so I can say it.
First off, I guess introduction is in order. My name is Carolyn, most call me Care and online that's what I go by as it's the real me finally. I'm tired of pretending to be another so this is really me, online and offline. Right now, I'm a late thirties disabled woman living with my parents and helping to take care of my youngest nephew and niece.
I'm the oldest of three children of my parents that have been married for over thirty years, well going on forty in a few years. I'm also the oldest granddaughter on mom's side of the family and the third oldest on dad's side. I don't speak much to my dad's side of the family because honestly they were never there for me growing up. They never reached out nor try to keep in contact with us so why bother. I'm just now starting to communicate with some of my cousins on that side of the family through Facebook of course. Then you have mom's side of the family I'm closer to this side of the family because they have always been there growing up. But now that we are grown it's really kind of a hermit and it's something I don't mind.
I've been disabled for the past four years, since 2010, when I had a mental break down. Before that I was a depressive manic girl that worked had fun and went out. I worked and had a promising job of working at McDonald's. Hey don't knock it, if no one worked at McDonald's how would you get your egg mcmuffin in the morning. Then in 2010 things started to get bad for me. Not just bad but crazy and I broke. I was suicidal, homicidal, raging, crying, paranoid and a few other things. So finally my sister, Liz and mom took me to the ER in Midland, because I live in Harrison a small town with no real hospitals or anything. So they took me to the town over, there the doctors gave me antidepressants and told me to get into a doctor.
It was hard to finally admit I needed help. See because I've been this way most of my life. I've always been a loner, always been suicidal, and just it was something that was just me. To finally admit that I needed the help was a very tough and hard decision for me, but I did it. After a month, I got into Community Mental Health here in Harrison and was finally given a bit of a diagnoses. Finally I had answers, they say I'm borderline bipolar, borderline personality disorder, depressive, and a mood disorder. It's taken four years for me to finally get the right medicine combination, well maybe I have to talk to my doctor tomorrow about that as my depression has been creeping up majorly. I'm living a somewhat normal life for me finally. Yes I may live with my parents but what you don't get, or rather most people don't get, is that I choose to. I like living with my parents, it not only helps them out, but it helps me and I'm able to be there with someone as dad is out on the truck now.
Yes folks, my dad is a semi truck driver. So he's gone 90 percent of the time. I used to but that was a bad time in my life, I tried to do it for 8 months and it was nice but very hard for me and I finally got fired because of too many accidents. With dad gone, mom would have no one here if I left and so I stay for that reason. To keep her company and she keeps me grounded. Now though, I'm helping her raise these two little kids that were pretty much left to us. We are fighting to keep Cian and CeCe with us, we are going through Foster Care licensing and then mom and dad are going through the adoption process to guarantee that they have the best life for them.
See they are my brother's kids, Jason. He and his ex-wife got into a bit back in May of 2013, and after not talking to Jason for more than 3 years, he called out of the blue to get help. I went. I even helped him try to get his kids out of the house they were in, and watched as cops took him away for the night. Then we gave him a place to live, and helped him get to where he needed to, to try and fight for his kids as after that day CPS got involved and the kids were taken out of the home and put into foster care. Then in Nov of 2013 he was clean and sober and got his kids back, these two amazing little boy, Cian and little girl, Ancilynne (whom we call CeCe). Well, in December Jason decided to not be there for his kids and we let it slide until May of 2014, when we finally put our foot down and kicked him out. He took the kids only to return a few days later, and on that day we got custody of the kids as CPS took it away from him again. Then in June the parents rights were terminated and the kids were placed in the ward of the state. They left them with us and then we went through hell of fixing up the house and complying with Foster Care standards to keep the kids with family. Now it's January and we are still doing what we need to, to keep the two kids with us.
It's kind of nice having them, I mean I get to be a parent when it was looking like I wasn't going to be. I finally got a structure to my life that my therapist has been harping on me to get. Now I just need to get other things under control. My weight for one, I'm at the highest I've been in years at 450 lbs. I think I haven't weighed in, in a while so I find out tomorrow what that looks like. I need to get things under control there, and my depression has kicked up a bit and it's a bit odd as it's been lingering a few days a week. So I'm going to talk to my Doctor tomorrow.
So that's a bit of my life. What I'm going through and how I'm handling things. So welcome to my world.
First off, I guess introduction is in order. My name is Carolyn, most call me Care and online that's what I go by as it's the real me finally. I'm tired of pretending to be another so this is really me, online and offline. Right now, I'm a late thirties disabled woman living with my parents and helping to take care of my youngest nephew and niece.
I'm the oldest of three children of my parents that have been married for over thirty years, well going on forty in a few years. I'm also the oldest granddaughter on mom's side of the family and the third oldest on dad's side. I don't speak much to my dad's side of the family because honestly they were never there for me growing up. They never reached out nor try to keep in contact with us so why bother. I'm just now starting to communicate with some of my cousins on that side of the family through Facebook of course. Then you have mom's side of the family I'm closer to this side of the family because they have always been there growing up. But now that we are grown it's really kind of a hermit and it's something I don't mind.
I've been disabled for the past four years, since 2010, when I had a mental break down. Before that I was a depressive manic girl that worked had fun and went out. I worked and had a promising job of working at McDonald's. Hey don't knock it, if no one worked at McDonald's how would you get your egg mcmuffin in the morning. Then in 2010 things started to get bad for me. Not just bad but crazy and I broke. I was suicidal, homicidal, raging, crying, paranoid and a few other things. So finally my sister, Liz and mom took me to the ER in Midland, because I live in Harrison a small town with no real hospitals or anything. So they took me to the town over, there the doctors gave me antidepressants and told me to get into a doctor.
It was hard to finally admit I needed help. See because I've been this way most of my life. I've always been a loner, always been suicidal, and just it was something that was just me. To finally admit that I needed the help was a very tough and hard decision for me, but I did it. After a month, I got into Community Mental Health here in Harrison and was finally given a bit of a diagnoses. Finally I had answers, they say I'm borderline bipolar, borderline personality disorder, depressive, and a mood disorder. It's taken four years for me to finally get the right medicine combination, well maybe I have to talk to my doctor tomorrow about that as my depression has been creeping up majorly. I'm living a somewhat normal life for me finally. Yes I may live with my parents but what you don't get, or rather most people don't get, is that I choose to. I like living with my parents, it not only helps them out, but it helps me and I'm able to be there with someone as dad is out on the truck now.
Yes folks, my dad is a semi truck driver. So he's gone 90 percent of the time. I used to but that was a bad time in my life, I tried to do it for 8 months and it was nice but very hard for me and I finally got fired because of too many accidents. With dad gone, mom would have no one here if I left and so I stay for that reason. To keep her company and she keeps me grounded. Now though, I'm helping her raise these two little kids that were pretty much left to us. We are fighting to keep Cian and CeCe with us, we are going through Foster Care licensing and then mom and dad are going through the adoption process to guarantee that they have the best life for them.
See they are my brother's kids, Jason. He and his ex-wife got into a bit back in May of 2013, and after not talking to Jason for more than 3 years, he called out of the blue to get help. I went. I even helped him try to get his kids out of the house they were in, and watched as cops took him away for the night. Then we gave him a place to live, and helped him get to where he needed to, to try and fight for his kids as after that day CPS got involved and the kids were taken out of the home and put into foster care. Then in Nov of 2013 he was clean and sober and got his kids back, these two amazing little boy, Cian and little girl, Ancilynne (whom we call CeCe). Well, in December Jason decided to not be there for his kids and we let it slide until May of 2014, when we finally put our foot down and kicked him out. He took the kids only to return a few days later, and on that day we got custody of the kids as CPS took it away from him again. Then in June the parents rights were terminated and the kids were placed in the ward of the state. They left them with us and then we went through hell of fixing up the house and complying with Foster Care standards to keep the kids with family. Now it's January and we are still doing what we need to, to keep the two kids with us.
It's kind of nice having them, I mean I get to be a parent when it was looking like I wasn't going to be. I finally got a structure to my life that my therapist has been harping on me to get. Now I just need to get other things under control. My weight for one, I'm at the highest I've been in years at 450 lbs. I think I haven't weighed in, in a while so I find out tomorrow what that looks like. I need to get things under control there, and my depression has kicked up a bit and it's a bit odd as it's been lingering a few days a week. So I'm going to talk to my Doctor tomorrow.
So that's a bit of my life. What I'm going through and how I'm handling things. So welcome to my world.
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